We're trap my friends, theres no way out. Every time i look theres seems to be dark clouds closing on my, theres thunders falling on every side i look. i swear to you, i try to change but my luck never helps. i try to be an honest man now and then, but its just too hard or too boring. i try to be what my family wants me to be but i can't. then i try to be what i want to be and i can't do that too. what i have left? walk around in circles, wait till everything resolves by itself. i dont believe in destiny? or do i? i dont know, but what if there is a destiny and mine is this mediocre life? should i get used to it? should i fight it? should i kill myself and start again? so many questions with no answer, i dont want to have questions anymore. only solutions, but i dont see the solutions. damn it! if i had only had more faith earlier on life, maybe i wouldn't be so miserable. but what can i do now, everything is fuck. my friends all gone, i ignore the ones who are still here, but for one reason or another i always end up feeling alone.
theres no solution for our kind, we either end up having it our way or losing badly. im staring to feel on the losing side. it was a hell of a good ride though, and i still get to do things that i love. but my mind is running blank everyday, numb by the day at work. i want to do stuff and create, but cant concentrate. i want to read but i get bored. im just a lousy person, boring, escaping from everything when it gets tough. i should have more confidence on myself but i've never been able. i sense something today, i said to myself: i'm going to stop feeling better than everybody else because Im not! im going to be more humble and accept the fact that i've lost. there is nothing to be ashamed in accepting reality, embrace your condition and maybe you'll be able to change it. dont know if its going to work, but its seems to be the path my life is taking.
life is so boring right know, theres nothing wild to do. i dont feel the same lust for life like before. i dont feel like its wrong anymore, i dont feel like im doing something bad anymore, so its not that much fun like it used to. sounds stupid, and i surely shouldn't feel that way, but i do! i can't change that, i can't fool myself, i have never been able of fooling myself. deep inside i can easily see through myself. i just to love running around drunk and high doing crazy stuff, being stupid and screaming, because i felt like i was fucking somebody, like i was doing harm to the people who were messing me up. but know theres no one and i am just doing harm to myself. i understand now that i am not a victim, i never was. but i didnt knew that before, so what good can it do me to know this? i dont know, maybe some. understand my own mistakes, my stupidity. knowing that it felt so good to be the victim of someone else, but it doesn't feel good to be the victim of myself. damn it! i know that i dont wanna go back to that. i felt so bad in those times, always down, depress unsure, insecure. now i finaly got a chance to do what i want, and my knees start shaking. i feel like such a coward, i feel like i've been such a coward all my life, i hate myself, ive wasted my life. god i wish i could start all over again, i am so stupid. please take it all away, every single memory, remove, erase, destroy. even from the ashes it would come back to haunt me, the shame!
i leave you know, this is too much its not worth it, youre not interested, nobody is.
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