Nothing that has a meaning comes easy

I guess the love went away when she asked me to inject her. I've been trough that hell before and I dont wanna go back. She was cute, really cute, but she didn't had a brain. she lost it to drugs, now everytime you see her her eyes are gone. I wonder if that's what atracted me to her in the first place. You know the worst thing is you are with those people because you feel like you dont deserve any better. I felt like only a person who is as fucked up as her could understand me. But i was wrong. She couldn't care less about me, I was just a provider, someone who got something that she could use. And she had something I could use, a nice warm pussy. But that pussy ain't good enough to go to hell for. There's plenty of pussy in this world, so I'll better get a clean one!
Im trying to redirect my life, im trying to change courses. I keep running away sometimes, like i did from her, but at least is for the best. But there is absolutely no way that you can be sober in this town! You have to be completely alone to do that. I have to be restraint to my bed! But my god! her eyes! I remember her eyes! They were the eyes of the devil! beautiful and sinister! They put an evil smile on my face. There's no way to forget those eyes.
I got to get her out of mi mind. I failed to her, I chickened out on her. Im nothing now to her. I didnt wanted to destroy her, i didnt wanted to finish the job. she's in the path of self-destruction and i didnt wanted to help anymore that i already did. "All she ever knew was trouble, and for much I was to blame" I dont want to feel like that again, i had to leave like i did.
We where in a party, I was touching her trying to get her horny, but she was waiting for something more, she wanted to get out of his mind, she wanted to go crazy and I was the only guy there capable of doing that. But I didnt want to become like the people who created me, I wanted to stay what i am, dont turn more into them. But the feeling of her skin against mine wanted me to forget any ideals or morals, and I am very week to the temptations of the flesh! but I could see myself, noding to what she asked me to do. She wanted me to teach her the secrets of death, the path to destruction. and damn it! it is a sweet walk! a great place to go! if you dont want to come back! I was thinking I could go with her and never comeback, i've seen people do that and feel envy of them. But I didnt had the guts. Something inside of me is still good, something feels bad, I still have some hopes in the world or in life, dont really know why, but i do.
The shrink called it survivor instinct, it felt like cowardice, guess i dont think to much of myself.
I wish i could move to the country, be a cowboy and write books. I dont have any satisfactions left here in the city. Every corner I look there's a bad memory, there are places I cannot go without feeling remorse or shame or sorrow. Its painful just to walk on the streets, all the memories they bring. I dont want to remember anymore, I want to start over.
Do you want to know more? I thought you wanted to come! you said you wanted to try everything, you wanted to feel everything for yourself. Well let me tell you this and I hope you learn: Nothing that has a meaning comes easy.