He estado escondiendome, sin ganas de ver a nadie. La unica persona que quiero ver no me lo permiten. He estado soñando con platos blancos y charlie manson. Sexo durante misa y charlie sonriendome. Y las personas se preguntan que que me pasa, me pregunto como estarían si les pasara lo que a mi!
Ayer de nuevo los platos ahora en un prostibulo con mi hermano, prostitutas persiguiendonos y nosotros cuidando que no se nos tiren los platos, el polvo se vuelve esponjoso como algodon y tengo que inhalarlo corriendo antes de que se me caiga todo. una escalera oscura da a un corredor, de pronto estoy fuera confundido todo hace efecto y suena el despertador. otro dia resistiendo las ganas, la tentacion, buena suerte que no tengo carro y no puedo ir a comprar tan facilmente, necesito que me lo presten. pero aguanto, de alguna manera aguanto porque creo que todo va a estar mejor, que cuando ella salga todo mejorara.
el lunes fui a verla, estaba yo tan feliz de haber sobrevivido un fin de semana sin usar. era algo de que estar orgulloso y que presumirle a ella, que a pesar de no entrar a ningun programa de rehabilitacion lo iba a lograr. pero cuando hable con ella me dijo que no pensaba dejar de usar, solo esperaria al final de su tratamiento y despues continuaria igual, de pronto me senti todo confundido en un lugar donde todos los "LICENCIADOS" me veian como un bandido y observaban fijamente todos los movimientos de mis manos como si una mala intencion hubiera en ellas, como si los fuera a engañar con la velocidad de un mago. ella me presento a dos y ambos me vieron con una mirada de asombro y de miedo, no se si se esperaban algo peor o si solo se sorprendieron de que haya tenido los huevos de ir hasta ahi despues de todo lo que paso. No importa lo que mas me importa fue lo que ella dijo. Yo que con tanta ilusion me esforzaba por no usar, yo que soporte unos terribles dolores de estomago, vomito y calambres, para que ella me dijera que no pensaba dejar de usar. Me confundio, me confundio totalmente. Ahora no sabia si volver a la vieja rutina o si debia continuar sin usar, y la tentacion es grande, muy grande, y la confucion, se los aseguro, no ayuda en nada. Lo bueno fue que saliendo en venganza me fui a visitar a una vieja amiga que practica el empleo mas viejo del mundo y gaste el dinero con el que podria comprarme un bote. Ustedes diran que soy de lo peor, que como he podido hacerle eso, pero en realidad lo hize porque de los dos vicios el sexo es mejor, es mas sano y tambien te da mucha alegria y alivia la presion, el estres, te hace sentir mejor. Y ademas siempre es bueno visitar a las viejas amistades, ella se alegro mucho de verme y me dijo algo que me hizo caer en cuenta, me dijo: "tu pareces un hombre serio, te vez muy serio ahi afuera, nunca pensaria que eres asi." "¿asi como?" le pregunte. "Si, entras aqui y te transformas." No pude hacer otra cosa que soltar una carcajada, me vez serio, le dije, pero una vez que entro en confianza no soy nada serio. Ella sonrio y me dijo que ella era igual, despues empezo a contarme una historia de algun novio o un chavo que andaba por ella y me dijo que el era igual y como que queria que hubiera algo mas, pero yo me hize pendejo, esto era solo sexo y ya, no hay que confundir. aun asi algun efecto me hizo porque tanto nos reimos que pense que seria buena idea salir a tomar con ella, quien sabe, igual y un dia lo haga.
Mi mente esta despertando cada dia mas, ha estado tan ocupada enfrascada en los problemas adormilada por las anestecias, que ha necesitado un par de semanas para volver a la normalidad. he estado imaginandome un monton de cosas, es como cuando te levantas en la mañana y comienzas a recordar tus sueños y se te vienen un monton de imagenes y no las puedes relacionar una con otra, y conforme pasa la mañana vas acordandote que es lo que habias soñado y ya no sabes si asi fue o si tu mente racional le ha puesto la trama a la historia.
Imagino hermosas escenas lesbicas, orgias, dentro de ese centro, quisiera estar ahi verlas con mis ojos, estar ahi dentro. Creo que me ha hecho bien, algo en mi esta renaciendo, cada vez me convezo mas de que esta sobriedad me esta funcionando, creo que dejare de usar todo el tiempo que pueda. pero no puedo asegurar cuanto tiempo aguantare, espero que sea mucho, pero no se, hoy me pagan, pero no tengo carro, lo mas seguro es que hoy no la hize, no me alcanza el tiempo, eso me ha salvado un dia mas, pero mañana, mañana no se. un dia, solo un dia, jura que no usaras hoy, ya mañana veras que pasa, igual y mañana me gana mi monstruito y me convence y no quiero imaginarme todas las cosas locas que podrian pasar porque si empiezo a imaginarme me voy a emocionar mas. One day at a time is all we do, One day at a time is good for you.
los dejo.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
feel good hits of the winter
aqui estan las letras de unas buenas canciones para sobrellevar el momento
"In Hiding"
I shut and locked the front door
No way in or out
I turned and walked the hallway
And pulled the curtains down
I knelt and emptied the mouth of every club around
But nothing's sound, nothing's sound
I'd stay but my last cab left me
Ignored all my rounds
Soon I was seeing visions and cracks along the walls
They were upside down
I swallow my words to keep from lying
I swallow my face just to keep from biting, I, I..
I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving, diving
I surfaced when all of my being was enlightened.
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
It's been about three days now
Since I've been aground
No longer overwhelmed and it seems so simple now
It's funny when things change so much
It's all state of mind
I swallowed my words to keep from lying
I swallowed my face just to keep from biting, I, I
I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving, I was diving
I surfaced and all around my being was enlightened
Now I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
Oh, I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I put a spell on you
Because youre mine.
You better stop
The things that youre doin.
I said watch out!
I aint lyin, yeah!
I aint gonna take none of your
Foolin around;
I aint gonna take none of your
Puttin me down;
I put a spell on you
Because youre mine.
All right!
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
You say Ive been buyin another woman clothes,
But youve been talkin to someone else.
I called your mama bout three or four nights ago.
I called your mama bout three or four nights ago.
Your mama said, son,
Dont call my daughter no more.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
You say Ive been buyin another woman clothes,
But youve been takin money from someone else.
Come on back home, baby; try my love one more time.
Come on back home, baby; try my love one more time.
Youve been gone away so long,
Im just about to lose my mind.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
You say Ive been buyin another woman clothes,
But youve been talkin to someone else.
Yes, my baby left me, never said a word.
Was it something I done, something that she heard?
You know she left me, my baby left me.
My baby even left me, never said a word.
But, I stand at my window, wring my hands and cry.
I hate to lose that woman, hate to say goodbye.
You know she left me, I say, she left me.
My baby even left me, never said goodbye.
Help me, boy!
And now, one of these mornings, lord, it wont be long,
Youll look for me and, baby, daddy hell be gone.
You know she left me, I say she left me.
My baby even left me, never said a word.
Now, I stand at my window, wring my hands and moan.
All I know is that the one I love is gone.
My baby left me, I say she left me.
My baby even left me, never said goodbye.
My baby even left me, never said goodbye.
Oo, bet youre wondring how I knew bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy that you knew before?
Between the two of us guys, you know I love you more.
It took me by surprise, I must say, when I found out yesterday. oo,
Chorus:
I heard it through the grapevine, not much longer would you be mine.
Oo, I heard it through the grapevine, and Im just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.
You know that a man aint supposed to cry, but these tears I cant hold inside.
Losin you would end my life you see, cause you mean that much to me.
You could have told me yourself that you found someone else.
Instead,
Chorus
People say you hear from what you see, na na not from what you hear.
I cant help bein confused; if its true, wont you tell me dear?
Do you plan to let me go for the other guy that you knew before? oo,
Chorus
THE LIBERTINES
"Can't Stand Me Now"
An ending fitting for the start
you twist and tore our love apart
your light fingers through the dark
that shattered the lamp and into the darkness cast us...
No you've got it the wrong way round
you shut me up and blamed it on the brown
cornered the boy kicked out at the world...the world kicked back
alot fuckin' harder now
If you wanna try, If you wanna try
there's no worse you could do (oh oh oh)
I know you lie (I know you lie)
I'm still in love with you (oh oh oh)
Can't take me anywhere (Cant take you anywhere)
Can't take me anywhere (wouldn't take you anyway)
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go
by YOU CAN'T STAND ME NOW YOU CAN'T STAND ME NOW CAN'T STAND ME NOW
CAN'T STAND ME NOW
Have we enough to keep it together?
or do we just keep on pretending (and hope our luck is never ending..)
You tried to pull the wool I wasn't feeling too clever,
you tool all that they're lending
until you needed mending...
If you wanna try...etc
YOU CAN'T STAND ME NOW
"Music When The Lights Go Out"
is it cruel to be kind not to speak my mind and to lie to you rather than hurt you
well ill confess all of my sins after several large gins but still ill hide from you, hide whats
inside from you
and alarm bells ring.when you say your heart still sings.when your with me, oh darling please
forgive me
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no
and all the memories of the pubs and the clubs, and the drugs and the tubs we shared together
will stay with me forever..
but all the highs and the lows and the to's and the fro's they left me dizzy oh wont you please
forgive me
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no
well i no longer hear the music when the lights go out love goes cold in the shades of doubt the
strange fate in my mind its all too clear, music when the lights come on the girl i thought i
knew has gone, and with her my heart it dissapeard
well i no longer hear the music oh no no no no and all the memories of the fights and the nights
and the blue lights and the kites we flew together i thought theyd fly forever
but all the highs and the lows and the to's and the fro's they left me dizzy oh wont you please
forgive me
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no
well i no longer hear the music when the lights go out love goes cold in the shades of doubt the
strange fate in my mind its all too clear
i no longer hear the music when the lights go out the girl i thought i knew has gone and with
her my heart has disapeard
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no and i no longer hear the music
"What A Waster"
What a waster, what a fucking waster
You pissed it all up the wall
Round the corner where they chased her
There's tears coming out from everywhere
The city's hard, the city's fair
Get back inside you've got nothing on
No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt
When she wakes up in the morning
She writes down all her dreams
Reads like the book of revelations
Or the Beano or the unabridged ulysses
Oh I really wanna know
So tell me, where does all the money go
where does all the money go
Straight, straight up her nose
And I never really liked it any way
So much preferred it the other way yeah
What a divvy what a fucking div
Talking like a moron, walking like a spiv
I was laying in bed paying my rent
Knocking on the door for something
That she lent her brother
Meanwhile from under the covers she says
Save me from tommorow, save me from tommorow
Oh no, Oh no not me
And I never never liked it any way
So much preferred it the other way yeah
Never really liked it any way
So much preferred it the other way yeah
What a waster, what a fucking waster
You pissed it all up the wall
Round the corner where they chased her
There's tears coming out from everywhere
The citys hard the citys fair
Get back inside you've got nothing on
No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt
What a waster, what a fucking waster
You pissed it all up the wall
Round the corner where they chased her
There's tears coming out from everywhere
The citys hard the citys fair
Get back inside you've got nothing on
No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt
"In Hiding"
I shut and locked the front door
No way in or out
I turned and walked the hallway
And pulled the curtains down
I knelt and emptied the mouth of every club around
But nothing's sound, nothing's sound
I'd stay but my last cab left me
Ignored all my rounds
Soon I was seeing visions and cracks along the walls
They were upside down
I swallow my words to keep from lying
I swallow my face just to keep from biting, I, I..
I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving, diving
I surfaced when all of my being was enlightened.
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
It's been about three days now
Since I've been aground
No longer overwhelmed and it seems so simple now
It's funny when things change so much
It's all state of mind
I swallowed my words to keep from lying
I swallowed my face just to keep from biting, I, I
I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving, I was diving
I surfaced and all around my being was enlightened
Now I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
Oh, I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding
I put a spell on you
Because youre mine.
You better stop
The things that youre doin.
I said watch out!
I aint lyin, yeah!
I aint gonna take none of your
Foolin around;
I aint gonna take none of your
Puttin me down;
I put a spell on you
Because youre mine.
All right!
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
You say Ive been buyin another woman clothes,
But youve been talkin to someone else.
I called your mama bout three or four nights ago.
I called your mama bout three or four nights ago.
Your mama said, son,
Dont call my daughter no more.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
You say Ive been buyin another woman clothes,
But youve been takin money from someone else.
Come on back home, baby; try my love one more time.
Come on back home, baby; try my love one more time.
Youve been gone away so long,
Im just about to lose my mind.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself.
You say Ive been buyin another woman clothes,
But youve been talkin to someone else.
Yes, my baby left me, never said a word.
Was it something I done, something that she heard?
You know she left me, my baby left me.
My baby even left me, never said a word.
But, I stand at my window, wring my hands and cry.
I hate to lose that woman, hate to say goodbye.
You know she left me, I say, she left me.
My baby even left me, never said goodbye.
Help me, boy!
And now, one of these mornings, lord, it wont be long,
Youll look for me and, baby, daddy hell be gone.
You know she left me, I say she left me.
My baby even left me, never said a word.
Now, I stand at my window, wring my hands and moan.
All I know is that the one I love is gone.
My baby left me, I say she left me.
My baby even left me, never said goodbye.
My baby even left me, never said goodbye.
Oo, bet youre wondring how I knew bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy that you knew before?
Between the two of us guys, you know I love you more.
It took me by surprise, I must say, when I found out yesterday. oo,
Chorus:
I heard it through the grapevine, not much longer would you be mine.
Oo, I heard it through the grapevine, and Im just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.
You know that a man aint supposed to cry, but these tears I cant hold inside.
Losin you would end my life you see, cause you mean that much to me.
You could have told me yourself that you found someone else.
Instead,
Chorus
People say you hear from what you see, na na not from what you hear.
I cant help bein confused; if its true, wont you tell me dear?
Do you plan to let me go for the other guy that you knew before? oo,
Chorus
THE LIBERTINES
"Can't Stand Me Now"
An ending fitting for the start
you twist and tore our love apart
your light fingers through the dark
that shattered the lamp and into the darkness cast us...
No you've got it the wrong way round
you shut me up and blamed it on the brown
cornered the boy kicked out at the world...the world kicked back
alot fuckin' harder now
If you wanna try, If you wanna try
there's no worse you could do (oh oh oh)
I know you lie (I know you lie)
I'm still in love with you (oh oh oh)
Can't take me anywhere (Cant take you anywhere)
Can't take me anywhere (wouldn't take you anyway)
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go
by YOU CAN'T STAND ME NOW YOU CAN'T STAND ME NOW CAN'T STAND ME NOW
CAN'T STAND ME NOW
Have we enough to keep it together?
or do we just keep on pretending (and hope our luck is never ending..)
You tried to pull the wool I wasn't feeling too clever,
you tool all that they're lending
until you needed mending...
If you wanna try...etc
YOU CAN'T STAND ME NOW
"Music When The Lights Go Out"
is it cruel to be kind not to speak my mind and to lie to you rather than hurt you
well ill confess all of my sins after several large gins but still ill hide from you, hide whats
inside from you
and alarm bells ring.when you say your heart still sings.when your with me, oh darling please
forgive me
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no
and all the memories of the pubs and the clubs, and the drugs and the tubs we shared together
will stay with me forever..
but all the highs and the lows and the to's and the fro's they left me dizzy oh wont you please
forgive me
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no
well i no longer hear the music when the lights go out love goes cold in the shades of doubt the
strange fate in my mind its all too clear, music when the lights come on the girl i thought i
knew has gone, and with her my heart it dissapeard
well i no longer hear the music oh no no no no and all the memories of the fights and the nights
and the blue lights and the kites we flew together i thought theyd fly forever
but all the highs and the lows and the to's and the fro's they left me dizzy oh wont you please
forgive me
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no
well i no longer hear the music when the lights go out love goes cold in the shades of doubt the
strange fate in my mind its all too clear
i no longer hear the music when the lights go out the girl i thought i knew has gone and with
her my heart has disapeard
but i no longer hear the music oh no no no no and i no longer hear the music
"What A Waster"
What a waster, what a fucking waster
You pissed it all up the wall
Round the corner where they chased her
There's tears coming out from everywhere
The city's hard, the city's fair
Get back inside you've got nothing on
No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt
When she wakes up in the morning
She writes down all her dreams
Reads like the book of revelations
Or the Beano or the unabridged ulysses
Oh I really wanna know
So tell me, where does all the money go
where does all the money go
Straight, straight up her nose
And I never really liked it any way
So much preferred it the other way yeah
What a divvy what a fucking div
Talking like a moron, walking like a spiv
I was laying in bed paying my rent
Knocking on the door for something
That she lent her brother
Meanwhile from under the covers she says
Save me from tommorow, save me from tommorow
Oh no, Oh no not me
And I never never liked it any way
So much preferred it the other way yeah
Never really liked it any way
So much preferred it the other way yeah
What a waster, what a fucking waster
You pissed it all up the wall
Round the corner where they chased her
There's tears coming out from everywhere
The citys hard the citys fair
Get back inside you've got nothing on
No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt
What a waster, what a fucking waster
You pissed it all up the wall
Round the corner where they chased her
There's tears coming out from everywhere
The citys hard the citys fair
Get back inside you've got nothing on
No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt
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